Nothing To Prove
On a birthday with a zero in its number, in an unexpected flash of clarity, I understood that I have nothing to prove to anyone. The catalog of things I had tried to prove before that moment is long: that I am smart, clever and creative, that I am competent and capable, that I am successful, sexy, and insightful, that I am one of the guys during happy hour, that I belong almost anywhere I go, that I understand both the outer and inner game of baseball, that I see what is wrong with the world and what is needed, that I see what is wrong with an organization and what is needed, that I see what is wrong with you and what is needed, that I am quick-witted and funny, that I have taste and style, that I can write, and probably lots of other things that I can’t recall at the moment.
Never mind if any of those things are true. The point is that at various times in my life I tried to prove that one or another among them was true, acting the part instead of being who I was at the moment. It can be argued, of course, that who I was at the moment was someone trying to prove something, but that is not who I wish to be.
That birthday was sixteen years ago and since then I have learned two important things about myself:
1. I enjoy and feel rewarded more by working on myself than on my reputation;
2. Working on myself makes it much easier to let go of trying to prove anything, allow myself be who I am at any moment, and accept the consequences.
But it isn’t over. A few weeks ago, while driving a city street, I held a mental conversation with someone whom I thought could benefit from my obviously superior wisdom (please hear the echo of ego in that statement). I caught myself. “What am I doing?” I was trying to prove that I knew the answer, that I was wise and knowledgeable, and articulate. And to whom was I trying to prove all that?
Well, there was no one else in the car. I was trying to prove it to myself!
Which raises the question, “Have I always been trying to prove all of the things I listed above to myself and not to other people?” Probably, but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is continuing to spot and extinguish the urge.
Even after sixteen years.
_______________
Inspired by a post from Isabel Joely Black.
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Tags: ego, Isabel Joely Black, personal growth, self
Great post! And that leads you to wonder, if you’re trying to prove something to yourself, what is trying to prove something to what?
Oh my, Joely — “…what is trying to prove something to what?’
Ninety seconds with that question tied my mind in knots so I’m going to rescue my sanity by making and eating breakfast. During the ninety seconds I thought of consciousness, hummingbirds, God, Carl Jung, Eckhart Tolle, and oatmeal. I hope that helps.
I really am hungry.
It’s kind of like that old joke:
“I used to think my brain was my favorite organ. Then I realized who was telling me this.”
I’m with you, Dick. The tendency to try to prove something to other people is a horrible waste of time and energy — especially those mental exchanges with oneself. At my worst, I’m seen talking to myself on street corners, gesticulating, lost in a private conversation. (“Oh, you didn’t notice my bluetooth earpiece?” I lie)
For me, over and over again I try to prove my own enlightenment to myself. It’s not working, of course, but I’m doing a good job of accepting that.
Wait a minute, who the heck said that!?
As always, a deeply insightful post & thought-provoking post from you, Dick.
Re: “I enjoy and feel rewarded more by working on myself than on my reputation”
I’ve also found that when I work on myself, my reputation improves all on its own! The less I care about this, the better it gets… Most peculiar!
Re. “Working on myself makes it much easier to let go of trying to prove anything, allow myself be who I am at any moment, and accept the consequences.”
Very true! When I detach myself of the consequences of what I do, I find myself being vindicated & rewarded!!
Thank you for this post…
Dan — lately I’ve been convincing myself that I am a space in the universe in which thoughts and feelings happen and my job is merely to decide what do do with them.
And I do get the “trying to prove enlightenment” thing. Ego is a very subtle beast.
Geetali — I got a big grin from, “…the less I care about it the better it gets.” That is my experience as well.
Dick, in my experience, a “good reputation” often entails a dull life! At this point, a “bad” reputation earned from a lot of naughty experiences should be fun!!!
Well Geetali, enjoy those naughty experiences but please don’t extend not caring about your reputation so far that you damage your self.
Just for the record…I neglected this when I wrote the list in this post: trying to prove that I am enlightened.
Can you say “oxymoron”?
Thanks for the nudge Dan.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I was touched.
I appreciate your saying so Carrie — “I was touched.”
The older I get the less energy I have to prove stuff to anybody, but especially myself. Maybe that is the gift of age – we think we are getting wiser, but maybe it’s really of form of saying “uncle” and giving up the fight!
Age does give me perspective . . . and in paying attention I can “spot and extinguish” more often. When I do that I’m more relaxed . . .and less into my black and white thinking about others. Being judgmental feels less satisfying.
Thanks for sharing the gift of yourself with us, Dick!
“a gift of age” — thanks for that phrase Deb. It struck me as something worth pursuing.